Drug Safety Department, Can I Help You?

So as previously mentioned, I was given new responsibilities at work. I now have to take incoming calls on the product complaint line for my company, which translates into that I have to listen to people bitch and whine about our products, or hear other people report other people’s bitching and whining about our products. Armed only with a cheap hands-free headset, my limited clinical knowledge and an “attractive to some” phone voice, I tackle these duties from 12-4pm (so please don’t call my company during these hours).

My first call ever was this dude with a THICK Indian accent from Illinois. I think he was Indian. (Ha ha). He told me he just had surgery to remove hemorrhoids, and his doctor put him on some laxatives/stool softeners as per protocol. However, he stated that our tablets did the opposite. He was having “rock hard” poopies, and A LOT of it. This alone brings out the 6-year-old in me that wants to fall on the floor laughing about his cement doodie blocks that he’s trying to squeeze out of his corn whole, but the thick Indian accent just takes it to a whole other level. I try to get a hold of the situation by reminding myself that I’m a 29-year old professional, and should be more mature, but then he starts trying to describe how painful it is by screaming really loud. “Arrgh!!” he continuously screams into my ear. “I do not care about the $6 refund, just make the pain stop!!!” Plus he tells me that he showed the area that is most painful to his wife. Poor, poor Indian lady. How else can you describe it but true love when you have to look at your husband’s freshly stitched asshole as he’s explaining that he’s trying to pass a rock hard pineapple out of his grape-sized opening. (Anyone for fruit?).

Bottom line is, I got through the call using the correct procedure:
1) Take down the pertinent information: (Indian guy from Illinois, screaming bloody murder, hemmoroid surgery, took laxatives, crap transformed into iron man and is shooting it’s way out of his newly sewn bunghole, wife forced to look).
2) Direct person to Medical Services if they have any questions, because I’m not legally able to answer his questions, even though I’m a freaking pharmacist.

Don’t you know the guy called back ten minutes later asking for his money back!!!