She's calling my name. . .

Oh how she calls to me. In that sweet voice of hers. I can hear her in my sleep. Kind of like that signal that your brain gives you when you have to pee, you just do what it tells you. Well either you do, or you wet your pants. Well i'm trying to ignore this signal. Covering my ears like I do when there are annoyingly loud drunk people in the street at 4 in the morning. I try desperately to drown out her sweet beckoning with phrases like "You don't need that ho!", and "She's only trying to get you in trouble!", and that phrase made popular in the Waterboy, "You can do it!!" But my soul is weak. Today would have been a perfect day to listen to her. It was cold outside. It was warm inside. My cell phone was dead silent, and I didn't have shit else to do. Today was the last day that the Gates was being displayed at Central Park. Why not smoke a bowl and chill in the park? I mean, I have some left over, and it is some good ass shit. It's not like I don't have a lighter. And if I didn't, I always got matches in the bathroom just in case someone drops a bomb.

Well i'm trying to be responsible. Trying to get my shit TOGETHER man! I've got two, count them 1, TWO state board exams coming up. I'm still recovering from a nasty cold that I got in Costa Rica. (HOOOOO!!! wait, that's not right. Whatever). Plus, I might have an interview coming up that would require the negative passing of a urine exam. And lastly, I haven't a break of a week or longer since last September, which coincidentally was the last drug test that I took. (Of which I luckily passed by the skin of my teeth.) It's actually kind of sad now that I think about it, that I can remember so distinctly the last time I took a break of this magnitude. And that a break lasting a week is what I consider to be significant magnitude.

Well, it is goddamn it!! Shit is not easy right now. My dad's health is not where it should be. I should be a lock for this goddamn interview because of the effort I put into my job, and my willingness to learn, but instead my chances get smaller and smaller by the day. I haven't taken a test of my knowledge for like 2 years, and now I have 2 big ass motherfuckers staring me down within the next month. And lastly, I am alone. You never realize how much easier it is to face adversity with someone by your side until you turn around and all you see is your shadow. This decision was completely mine, and in my mind was one that had to be made. I don't regret this decision, yet it's times like these that make you wish things were different. I know I'll get through this. Well, I'm pretty sure I will. It will take alot of determination, a little help from my friends, probably some alcohol, and most likely a bottle of detox cleanser that will stain my teeth for a half an hour and turn my dookie a bright emerald green color. That's all.

Damn, it'd be so much easier if I just smoked a bowl. Damn I'd like to get high right now. . .