P is for Pizzorn

Okay, here’s the deal. I’m eating dinner the other night when my cell phone rings. It happens to be one of the only friends that I keep in touch with from high school. I pick up the phone with the usual, “Whuttup dude?” when I’m greeted with “Yo John, yo John! Ya wanna hear something disgusting?” Not the exact phrase that I’d like to hear during dinner (especially in the presence of my pops and grandmother). I can sense by the excitement in my friend’s voice, that no matter what answer I give him, he’s still gonna tell me regardless. On top of that, for those of you that have never heard my cell phone, it’s FUCKING LOUD. It does not contain a speakerphone function, but for the volume that comes out of that puppy, goddamn it, it doesn’t need one. My spider sense quickly adds this all up and instructs me to cover the speaker of my phone, but not before I hear “Yo, I saw D--- -------N in a porno!” As I immediately feel the wonderful food that my grandmother graciously cooked for us turn over in my stomach, as well as a dark shade of straight redness overtake my face, I avoid eye contact with my father, fight back my inner rage and politely tell my friend, “Aye, I’m eating dinner with my fam. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Oh, my bad.” CLICK.

I calmly place my phone on the table, pick up my chopsticks and exclaim, “How about them Yankees?”

I am not a religious man, but by the grace of God, I successfully managed to divert the conversation away from old high school classmates taking part in pornography for the rest of dinner. I later said goodbye to my Dad, kissed my Grandmother, and went back to my apartment. There, I proceeded to call my friend back up and bitch him out for putting me in the awkward situation that he put me in. He graciously apologized for his actions, and I later accepted after some more bitching. With this finally out of the way, it was time to get the details.

My friend explained to me that he is in the midst of a “dry spell” and that he decided to hit up the local porn spot. He saw a cute dime on the cover and proceeded to pay the fee of loneliness. After a popping the DVD into the player, a familiar face popped up. There he was on the TV screen. Chillin with a girl on his lap, fully clothed for the moment, one of our fellow classmates from high school. He looked at the girl, said his corny lines, and if you don’t know what happened next, it’s time for YOU to hit up your local porn spot and find out for yourself. My friend immediately yanked the DVD out of the player, and threw it in the trash, a move that is much more polite and appropriate than what I would have done. Shit. I would have picked up the cell, reached out to people that I haven’t talked to in years, and notified the newspaper, local media etc. etc. Not the actions of an upstanding citizen, I know. But nobody is perfect.

Well, after I questioned my friend if he REALLY threw the DVD away, (several times) he assured me that he did, and proceeded to tell me that he felt sorry for this cat, and hypothesized about how horrible his parents must feel and how misguided this dude must actually be to be caught doing the dirtiest of deeds in front of a camera.

I initially had my doubts, but after a couple of minutes, his words hit me. My friend was right.

From what I remember, this “porno” dude was a very skinny, insecure kid. He did well in football, and for some reason, he thought he could sing. For some reason, some other people thought he could sing too! The one thing that sticks out in my mind was a talent show that he performed at, where he sang one of Maxwell’s songs. If he was in fact good, I would honestly give him credit. But he really wasn’t, and yet some of the girls were still screaming his name. I think it got to his head. He then proceeded to take his shirt off and dance across the stage like he was the son of Prince. I left the show confused. I think he did too. From what I heard, after graduation, he went on to do well in college football, almost got drafted as a wide receiver, messed up or got hurt, and then moved on to little modeling gigs. The next I heard he was a stripper. And now this.

In some way, it kind of makes sense. If you have low self-esteem, and for some reason people gas your head up, this allows you to venture out into different things. If you don’t have much talent to begin with, and you don’t have a backup plan, then you just have to do your best with whatever opportunity comes your way. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee of success neatly packaged with any of these opportunities.

Even though the thought of being paid for getting freaky with some freaky ass girls does sound quite tempting, I’m pretty sure that the hard work that I did during school will offer me better (or at least safer) opportunities to make a pretty nice salary, while maintaining whatever dignity that I managed to secure, and avoid all the stigmas that go along with being caught on camera with your pants down. I remember his parents being a bit different, but still, I can’t imagine these people being proud to the have a porno star (shit, he’s not even a star) as their son.

When I was in high school, college even, the thought of being a porno star seemed pretty damn cool to me. Of course I wasn’t thinking of the consequences. I was thinking of getting paid to get laid!! To hell with what my parents would think. But now that I think about it, it’s kind of crazy how it took a couple of years, and the words of a friend 2 years younger, to make me realize what an idiot I was for thinking that way. Shit, it’s also kinda crazy that I went to school with a porno actor!!

Stay healthy people.