Epistaxis: Never A Good Time

Why do bloody noses always happen at the worst times? I can never understand that shit. Is God really just an angry bitch that wants me to feel guilty for not having a period every month?It’s like there’s a sensor up in my nostrils that detects awkward moments and releases the flood gates when the alarm goes off. The alarm just so happened to go off today, while I was at work, talking to my boss none the less. I was asking a question about a certain report that I was working on, and then I notice my boss focusing more so on my nose then the words coming out of my mouth. “Oh shit, do I got a booger or something?” I thought to myself. “Nah, it’s worse dude” is what my brain should have told me.

My boss answered, “I think your nose is bleeding John”. Damn, and I thought the fluid building over my lips was just clear snot. As I lean my head to look down, I notice a juicy drop of my own blood falling in slow motion towards the important report that I was asking my boss about. With cat like reflexes, and the thought of losing my job if I don’t catch this blood, I stick out my hand and catch it. With equally cat like reflexes, I run out of my boss’ office and yell, “be right back” on the way to the men’s room.

This also happened one day a few months ago in my sleep. I woke up the next morning all groggy as usual and stumble to the bathroom to start the daily ritual of getting ready for work. When I look in the mirror, I screamed like a bitch because it looked like Rocky was looking back at me after Apollo Creed beat the crap out of him. Really sucked too because I had just changed my bed sheets the night before.
I decided to google “causes of bloody noses” today because I was both curious and bored. Here’s a few causes that I found: nose injury and blow to the nose (Duh!), nose picking, (my own personal #1 cause), allergies, nasal cancer, cocaine, dry air, menopause, high blood pressure, watching too much TV, and going to church. (Ok, so maybe I made up the last two). For some reason, I did not see loneliness, losing someone to the dreaded “friendship zone”, or being a retard during my 5-minute research expedition. Although I have no medical evidence to back these causes, I would like to submit them to the World Health Organization anyways