Slave slinging Headhunters

Headhunters. Recruiters. Position placing people. Scum-sucking dickhole-lickers. No these are not 4 different groups of people. They are one of the same. I hate these fuckers. They think they are so slick, like they are the people dedicated to finding the perfect position for you and bending over backward to make YOU happy. Like they are doing You a favor. Yes, they have done me a favor for 3 jobs in a row, but goddamn it, they made out like gangbusters on my ass. In actuality, there are several big name companies out there that are so desperate to find people to work for them, that they actually dish out a hefty sum of money to these dipshits (up to 140 bucks for every hour of work that suckers like me put in) just to find someone to sit in their cubicles and withstand the foot of the man on their neck. (By the way, my neck hurts.)

The way I see it, this is another form of slavery. (That may be a bit extreme, but go along with me on this people). You see, it’s like a freakin’ auction. The headhunters are the auction leaders standing on the podium, the companies looking for workers are the people coming to the auctions looking for someone to pick cotton on their farms or people to clean their mansions, and people like me are the meat up for sale, the slaves. So the process goes along like this. As the company people gather around, waiting for the meat to be displayed, they stand in anticipation, clenching their fat wallets. When the auction begins, the headhunters walk up to the podium with their top hats, and handlebar moustaches greased to a devilish curl. “Welcome my hungry company people, to the Auction! We will be displaying the finest of candidates for you to do what you may to them. We don’t care if you poop on them, or feed them to the alligators. As long as you put up the dough, they are all yours! Now, for our first piece of meat of the day, is John MF Chang!” I am led up on stage wearing only shackles on my neck, wrists, ankles and a loose fitting diaper. “He is a fine chinaman who will serve you well. He has a pharmD from one of the finest schools on the east coast, and he’s only been fired once. It is true that he instant messages his friends and bids on ebay most of his workdays, but to counter act that, you don’t have to give him a raise, and you can make it so he doesn’t get any of the privileges that permanent workers receive. As you can see from his fine physique, he eats healthy and takes care of himself, so he will rarely be sick and miss work. However, he does drink heavily and smoke weed sometimes, so you may find him in the mens room puking off a hangover and will need to exempt him from any human resource piss tests if you want to keep him on payroll. Now who would like to start the bidding? Remember, the sooner you win the auction, the sooner you can treat him like shit!”

Now I have gone through this process almost once a year for the past 3 years. Does that mean that I am a bad worker? That’s none of you damn business. I am extremely fortunate that there are actually people willing to bid in these auctions for my services. But, is it too much to ask for a good master to pay me well and treat me with some respect? If I have learned anything from the past 3 years, yes, it is.

My apologies. . . .

for the extended delay in posts. I know you have all been waiting desperately for another insightful glimpse into the retarded world that I dwell in. Oh wait, you guys have lives. Never mind. Well, maybe you just wanted something to laugh at, or a different opinion on something that you thought was absolutely meaningless. Whatever the case, my apologies go out to you all, because those of you who are actually reading this, are people whom I not only consider friends, but friends with depth in their thinking. (That means a step above the rest). And with that, on to the next post.