The Beast in the Cube Next to Mine

There are certain times that I sit at my cube, sip on some free coffee, pop in the head phones of my Ipod, focus on my computer screen and work like a mad man. Yes people, there are times that I ooze productivity. If you believe me, do NOT ask my co-workers. I admit that these intervals are not as frequent as my boss would like them to be, but when I’m in the zone, Watch Out people!!!

As inconsistent as my productivity is, one thing that can always be counted on is an end to these productive outbursts. A majority of the times, I am brought back to the lifelessness of the office by The Beast. The Beast is not her real name, but it’s a very appropriate name that I have christened her. The Beast sits in the cube next to me. She is not a pharmacist, not a nurse, and not a physician. Yet, she sits in the cube next to me. She is an admin/secretary for a couple of the physicians down the hall, but she sits in the cube next to me. Her responsibility is to set up meetings. I think I’ve heard her do this twice in the past 3 months. I’ve seen her make copies from time to time, but I suspect they are actually flyers for a block party somewhere, and I don’t think I’m invited.

When she started at the company, she didn’t say a word to me for the first 6 weeks. I remember saying hello from time to time without a response back. I’ve always given her a “God bless you” after she sneezed, but whenever I suddenly yelled “Ha-Chooo!!!” all I was left with was silence, and snot. I believe it was during her first week when one of my co-workers was leaving for another job, we had a little party for her and someone baked a bunch of cookies. She invited herself over, and since it was her first week, we all obliged and offered her some cookies. “Oooh cookies!!” she squealed as she grabbed three. Once she took her cookies, she brought them back to her cube, the one next to mine. A few minutes later, she came back and asked if she could have seconds. Mind you, they were baked by a co-worker that she never met, for another co-worker that she never met, on her last day in the office. Odd as it was, we still said “sure”, and she grabbed 3 more cookies before leaving again, and then returned later to finish off the plate.

I wished that was the only Beast story to speak of, but there are others. However, I would prefer to concentrate more on some of the random things that I am forced to deal with during my days working in the cube next to her. Let’s start off with the body odor shall we?

During the course of your life, you come in contact with thousands of different people, depending on where you live. Chances are pretty good that each individual you meet will have their own distinct personality. However, no matter how nice that person may be, if they stink like ass, then they fucking stink like ass. To put it in simplistic terms, the Beast has a scent that reminds me of a gym locker. Now when a girl is recognized by a scent, you want it to be a positive, even sexy trait, if at all possible. For example, a girl that always smells like she just took a shower, or one that smells like she always does her laundry right away are positive things. A sexy girl is one that’s always wearing that perfume that drives you crazy and when she walks by you, it makes you want to nail her to the wall that much more. Now when I know there’s someone that smells like a gym locker in the vicinity, I almost always try to avoid them. Unfortunately, I have to work 4 feet away from one. I’m actually getting worried about how the scent will be when the weather gets warmer. Yuck!!

The Beast is also very loud. She’s always on the phone, either talking to another person who doesn’t do shit at their job, or to some bank/bill collector. Not that I eavesdrop, but she talks so damn loud it’s almost impossible to avoid. I have asked her to lower her voice, but then she apologizes to me over and over and over until she forgets what she was apologizing for. Then she calls one of her friends and talks really loud again. Furthermore, the manner in which she chews gum is violent to say the least. It’s almost as if that lonely piece of gum trapped within her big Beastly mouth was single-handedly-responsible for burning down the village from where the Beast was born, and she has sworn to trap that piece of gum and extract violent revenge by chewing the shit out of it as loudly as possible. That may have been a bit of an exaggeration, but who gives a shit. What makes things even worse is she coughs even louder than she talks. I’m talking, coughing like she just smoked the tail pipe of a mack truck loud. She has disrupted many people within a 10-foot radius. I am included among these people because she sits in the cube next to mine.

Okay, so we covered the gym locker scent, the loud talking and coughing. Did I mention the man hands? Yeah. The bitch got man hands. She’s a big girl overall. Height-wise she’s as tall as I am. I don’t think she’s very fat. But she’s got some big ass hands on her!!! I’m talking George Foreman hands. They gotta weigh like 20 pounds each, easy. When she’s talking on the phone it looks like she’s holding a q-tip. I don’t mean to be cruel and just pick at every part of her body and personality, but she’s also got some big headlight eyes that give me the creeps when I look straight into them.

Some people are privileged enough to have their own office at work. Some people work in cubes next to co-workers who are clean, quiet, and have hands that don’t look like the ones in that Ludacris video, (For those that have never seen the Ludacris “Get Back” video, they’re fucking BIG). I am jealous of these people. What they so willingly take for granted, is what totally distracts me from reaching my ultimate goal, employee of the month. Actually, there are a lot of things that distract me at work. And no, my ultimate goal is not to be employee of the month. Regardless of this, the Beast stinks like funk. And I smell it, from 4 feet away.

Another day in the life? I hope not!!!

Some crazy ass shit happend this past week. On top of my friend getting ready for surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from his tongue (my prayers are with you man), another friend got jacked HARD by his ex-girlfriend!!!! Totally jacked!! Now you might be thinking, "What the hell does he mean by jacked? Did she run up on him with a gun in a dark alley and demand his wallet?"

In some ways, that might have been a better option. Let me give you some background. My friend went out with this girl for over FOUR years. They were truly in love. However, towards the end, things got kind of strange, and even though they lived together, they saw less and less of each other. When he graduated, he took a good job that was closer to his parent's home, so he was 2 and a half hours away. The two tried to keep in touch, but slowly they drifted apart. He had the feeling that he was already replaced, but he was free in NYC, so he didn't mind too much. He still cared for her though, and because she was still in school, he offered her inside advice and support whenever he could. They talked once every few months or so, and he always called her on her birthday. You could say they were still good friends.

Okay now for the jacking part. The girl had to repeat a year of school, because her major is ridiculously hard. He knew how hard it was because he also had to repeat the same year. He really felt horrible for her because he knew exactly how traumatic it felt to see your classmates replaced by younger students because they were busy doing things older students were doing. Plus, she had to deal with her family, which were a typical asian family who didn't understand how their daughter could fail one class, which practically counted as an entire semester. On top of that, remediation is FUCKING expensive at my school! He offered some help financially, but she refused. She told him that somehow, someway, she would make it through. He believed her, mainly because he really wanted her to do it. He REALLY wanted her to do it.

Fast forward to two years later. He again calls her on her birthday as usual, and they have a great conversation. She says that she is doing well, and almost finished with school. Man is he proud of her. With tears in his eyes, he tells her that he knew she could do it. He never lost confidence in her. Even though they were no longer together, and someone else was calling her their girlfriend. He was completely overjoyed that she overcame the same amazing odds, and fought the same struggle that he thought was impossible when he was in her shoes, and would walk accross the same stage and graduate with the same degree.

That's when the shit hit the fan. The other day, that guy get's a call from his Mother, saying that a certain bank is calling to collect a Large sum of money that has been due for a year and a half, and if they do not receive the entire sum in three days, they will then take legal action. She gave them his work number, and warned him not to give any important information because it may be a scam. They called him. It was NOT a scam. They knew all his information, and warned him of the consequences of not paying the balance, which would be a trial, fines, and credit similar to Michael Jackson's credibility as a baby sitter. This infuriated my friend. How can this happen? Then they mentioned the name of the other person linked to the bank account. It was a name very familiar to him. For those of you that are retarded and haven't been paying attention earlier, it was his ex-girlfriend. After hanging up with them, he immediately called her and demanded to know what was going on. The only thing she could say was "sorry". She told him that she didn't want her parents to know that she failed and was extremely desperate so she dug up an old lease that they shared and used his personal information to take a loan out to pay for remediation. His chest began throbbing with pain, his hands shook, and he could no longer hold back any profanity that he would usually hide from his co-workers. "Are you fucking serious!!! Why the fuck did you do that!!!! How can you put me through this after all the fucking shit that we've been though and all of the fucking things I did for you?!?!?" There was much more said, but I think you get the picture.

I feel horrible for my friend. Mostly because he is I and I am him. Literally. How could my ex-girlfriend do something like this to me. Why did she say no when I initially offered her help, and why didn't she at least ask me first!?!? I probably would have said no, but I would have helped her find an acceptable solution. After all the things that we've been through? Please. I would have definitely done something. But to go behind my back, use my information, and potentially ruin the credit that i've worked soo hard to maintain. Absolutely unbelievable. The amount of betrayal that I feel cannot be put into words. I am ALWAYS against violence against females, but I don't know what would happen if I saw her on the street tomorrow. It makes my spine twitch just thinking about it. It also brings unnecessary tears to my eyes. Why would she do such a thing? I keep asking myself that question, but I don't think I'll ever get a logical answer.

My parents called the bank and arranged to pay off the remaining balance, thus saving my credit. (Thank GOD!!) They have contacted my ex who has promised to pay my parents off as she makes the money. It baffles me, how calm and understanding my parents were with this whole situation. I know they liked her and all, but shit, I was the one that loved her in the past, and I am fucking hysterically furious!! I'm sorry but I have to end this entry now, because it's just making me too mad.

Before I hit "Publish Post" I have to ask one last question.

"Is it too much to ask from an ex, whom you still have a descent relationship, and that you still care for, to not do something as potentially damaging and ridiculous as this?" I mean, seriously???

Broken Jaws are NOT Sexy

For those that don't know me, I try to go to the gym as often as my schedule allows. I've always been a small guy, so every ounce of muscle that I can add on helps. Of course I got a beer-gut, and in my opinion, am overweight right now, but I'm not gonna get into that (whew!).

So the scenario is this, I'm at my New York Sports Club, getting warmed up. This girl that I always oogle over is already in her sports bra and tights, and giving me the feeling that Garth from Wayne's World was talking about when he climbed the rope in gym class. Yes ladies and gentlemen, she's just bomb-tastic like that. So where was I? Oh yeah, so I'm all on a bench in the middle of some dumbbell presses, and my spider sense tells me that she is directly behind me, waiting for some sweaty muscle head (not me), to get off a machine.

Now these dumbbells in my hand are heavy, and mind you I've already done my standard 3 sets. But being the humble, "do-the-right-thing" type of guy that I am, I push myself even further, in hopes of catching her eye so she can say, "ooh that dude's worth jumping on". (My fingers are still crossed). So I'm banging them out. Whew look at me go! I get to about 4 and my brain whispers within my ears, "Aye, that's enough man. These things are heavy! Who do you think you are?"

"HA!" I laughed back at my brain. "I got this, man. It is nothing but a feather!" Now for some reason, I'm pretty good at tricking my brain in this fashion. It's the main reason that I've gotten to be relatively strong. But today, my brain wasn't falling for shit! At the seventh repetition, I started to feel tired, and yet I struggled to get the dumbbells off my chest and arms-length away from my body.

And then I heard my brain say, "Aight man, hope you like the taste of iron" as my right shoulder gave out and the 65 lb. dumbbell came crashing towards my face. Now, a lot of people will tell you, that in the few moments that occur during a dangerous situation, your life flashes before your eyes. You might see a baby being born, riding a bicycle for the first time, graduation day, and so on and so on. Well, there were only two things that I thought about. One, was my high school football teammate who got his jaw broken in a game. He was a tough kid, but damn!! There was nothing holding back that pain when that shit broke!! The second thing I thought about was, "Shit! Shit! Shit! Move your head asshole! Move your head!!!"

At the last few seconds, I decided to listen to my brain, and jerked my head safely away from the dumbbell, (whew). Then, the dumbbell hit and bounced off my shoulder, leaving a painful red mark, (DOH!!). I was actually glad that no one came to help me, because I really didn’t want to attract that kind of attention when Ms. Hotness was behind me. I quickly got off the bench, while brushing the stars out of my vision, and slowly turned around to see if she had seen me. To my immense relief, she was no where in sight.

In summary, I was lucky enough to avoid: a) reconstructive surgery to my jaw, and b) ridiculous embarrassment in front of the girl that I basically come to the gym to drool at.

Ha! Hopefully one day that girl will read this blog entry, laugh out loud to herself, then run back to bed with me as we eat lobster, and do it in an insane manner.

Happy Birthday to my Momma!

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. I took the train back to Westchester with my sister to meet up with my folks and take my Moms out to dinner. She wanted to go out to this all-you-can-eat sushi/Japanese food buffet, so of course we all obliged. On the train ride up, I thought of at least 5 different restaraunts in the city that served way better sushi than the place that we were going to. "Why the fuck are we going to that place?!?!" I thought to myself. "Because Mom wants to go there, and it's her fucking birthday you dipshit!!!" my conscience yelled back in a rude manner. "And don't you forget it!!"

We wound up getting there late because 1) my sister had to work late, 2) we tried to wait for my brother-in-law, but he wound up getting jerked into a late meeting, so unfortunately he had to miss out on another event, (i'll save that for another entry), and on-top of that, 3) my sister's dog has been constipated for almost a week, and she tried desperately to make her poop before we left. No dice. (No poop either!). So needless to say, we wind up eating my Moms birthday dinner at like quarter to eight, (my parents usually eat at like 6, so yes, this IS late). Although these circumstances could not be avoided, I really did feel like shit that we made my parents wait so long, especially when they were hungry. One, because my Dad always throws hissy fits when he's hungry, which he makes sure are felt by all the other members of the family, and two, again, "it's my Moms fucking birthday you dipshit!!!"

Well, we get there, and yeah my Dad is pissed, but I'm laying the positive attitude heavy on him to make sure that things are smooth for my Mommas big day. And my Mom, being the absolute trooper that she is, is happier than a pig in shit. I bought her a nice bouquet of flowers, of which she took several pictures of, with and without me, she had her entire family together, and she was eating food that she enjoys, knowing that know matter how much she eats, it still costs the same price. This alone, was sooo worth the trip upstate. It's rare that my family is together and having a great time and eating like pigs. Sometimes I randomly think, "it'd be nice to smoke up right now", or "shit, I wish I was getting laid tonight" because I know these things equal happiness to me. However, I really have to put last night's dinner higher on my list. My Mom alone deserves more times like these in her life. She has and continues to work so hard to provide so many things that I foolishly take for granted. And one thing that is so fucked up, (of course my Dad brought this up because he hate's his mother-in-law's guts). My Mother, who always winds up taking care of my Grandmother (her mother) had a phone conversation with her yesterday. Apparantly my Grandmother had to go to the hospital so of course she called my Mom to take her today. As my Dad listened to their conversation, he asked at the end of it, "Did she say birthday to you?" To this, my Mother answered, "No" I'm sure in an embarrassed tone of voice. It just goes to show, that life really is not fair. As much as it made my blood boil, I was only more determined to make the night more enjoyable for my Mother. I mentioned more of the corny jokes that she loves to hear, and was more willing to pose for pictures that I am usually reluctant to go through. I didn't plan on staying the night up there, so I purposely didn't pack anything to change into. But I did anyways, because why? "It was my Mom's fucking birthday!" And she deserves every bit of happiness that can possibly go her way.

"And don't you forget it!!"

P is for Pizzorn

Okay, here’s the deal. I’m eating dinner the other night when my cell phone rings. It happens to be one of the only friends that I keep in touch with from high school. I pick up the phone with the usual, “Whuttup dude?” when I’m greeted with “Yo John, yo John! Ya wanna hear something disgusting?” Not the exact phrase that I’d like to hear during dinner (especially in the presence of my pops and grandmother). I can sense by the excitement in my friend’s voice, that no matter what answer I give him, he’s still gonna tell me regardless. On top of that, for those of you that have never heard my cell phone, it’s FUCKING LOUD. It does not contain a speakerphone function, but for the volume that comes out of that puppy, goddamn it, it doesn’t need one. My spider sense quickly adds this all up and instructs me to cover the speaker of my phone, but not before I hear “Yo, I saw D--- -------N in a porno!” As I immediately feel the wonderful food that my grandmother graciously cooked for us turn over in my stomach, as well as a dark shade of straight redness overtake my face, I avoid eye contact with my father, fight back my inner rage and politely tell my friend, “Aye, I’m eating dinner with my fam. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Oh, my bad.” CLICK.

I calmly place my phone on the table, pick up my chopsticks and exclaim, “How about them Yankees?”

I am not a religious man, but by the grace of God, I successfully managed to divert the conversation away from old high school classmates taking part in pornography for the rest of dinner. I later said goodbye to my Dad, kissed my Grandmother, and went back to my apartment. There, I proceeded to call my friend back up and bitch him out for putting me in the awkward situation that he put me in. He graciously apologized for his actions, and I later accepted after some more bitching. With this finally out of the way, it was time to get the details.

My friend explained to me that he is in the midst of a “dry spell” and that he decided to hit up the local porn spot. He saw a cute dime on the cover and proceeded to pay the fee of loneliness. After a popping the DVD into the player, a familiar face popped up. There he was on the TV screen. Chillin with a girl on his lap, fully clothed for the moment, one of our fellow classmates from high school. He looked at the girl, said his corny lines, and if you don’t know what happened next, it’s time for YOU to hit up your local porn spot and find out for yourself. My friend immediately yanked the DVD out of the player, and threw it in the trash, a move that is much more polite and appropriate than what I would have done. Shit. I would have picked up the cell, reached out to people that I haven’t talked to in years, and notified the newspaper, local media etc. etc. Not the actions of an upstanding citizen, I know. But nobody is perfect.

Well, after I questioned my friend if he REALLY threw the DVD away, (several times) he assured me that he did, and proceeded to tell me that he felt sorry for this cat, and hypothesized about how horrible his parents must feel and how misguided this dude must actually be to be caught doing the dirtiest of deeds in front of a camera.

I initially had my doubts, but after a couple of minutes, his words hit me. My friend was right.

From what I remember, this “porno” dude was a very skinny, insecure kid. He did well in football, and for some reason, he thought he could sing. For some reason, some other people thought he could sing too! The one thing that sticks out in my mind was a talent show that he performed at, where he sang one of Maxwell’s songs. If he was in fact good, I would honestly give him credit. But he really wasn’t, and yet some of the girls were still screaming his name. I think it got to his head. He then proceeded to take his shirt off and dance across the stage like he was the son of Prince. I left the show confused. I think he did too. From what I heard, after graduation, he went on to do well in college football, almost got drafted as a wide receiver, messed up or got hurt, and then moved on to little modeling gigs. The next I heard he was a stripper. And now this.

In some way, it kind of makes sense. If you have low self-esteem, and for some reason people gas your head up, this allows you to venture out into different things. If you don’t have much talent to begin with, and you don’t have a backup plan, then you just have to do your best with whatever opportunity comes your way. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee of success neatly packaged with any of these opportunities.

Even though the thought of being paid for getting freaky with some freaky ass girls does sound quite tempting, I’m pretty sure that the hard work that I did during school will offer me better (or at least safer) opportunities to make a pretty nice salary, while maintaining whatever dignity that I managed to secure, and avoid all the stigmas that go along with being caught on camera with your pants down. I remember his parents being a bit different, but still, I can’t imagine these people being proud to the have a porno star (shit, he’s not even a star) as their son.

When I was in high school, college even, the thought of being a porno star seemed pretty damn cool to me. Of course I wasn’t thinking of the consequences. I was thinking of getting paid to get laid!! To hell with what my parents would think. But now that I think about it, it’s kind of crazy how it took a couple of years, and the words of a friend 2 years younger, to make me realize what an idiot I was for thinking that way. Shit, it’s also kinda crazy that I went to school with a porno actor!!

Stay healthy people.