Ode to Summer's Eve

I remember quite distinctly having to work so many hours in a Rite-Aid pharmacy deep in the ghetto of West Philly where I would be bombarded with people yelling at me to get every medication possible for free through well fare. There were very few things funny enough to get me through the day. Among them were counting how many times the front end of the store would get held up, the patients getting Valtrex for their herpes, dudes nonchalantly buying condoms, the hot chicks who would pick up their birth control pills, and of course the women who would ultra secretively throw a Summer’s Eve underneath their deodorant, newspaper and pack of M&M’s at the register. Depending on what mood I was in, I would have some fun while ringing up these particular ladies. If I felt like being an asshole, I would ask for a price check over the loud speaker or punch in the price on the register while holding my nose (just kidding, I swear!!)

Oh Summer’s Eve. Has there ever been a product, or anything in general for that matter, as synonymously linked with foul smelling vagina then thou? I mean seriously. Do you really think that the females that use this stuff, do it because they think it smells good, or because it’s a great moisturizer?

I know it’s sooo childish, but it is a little bit funny. I mean, no one can expect a part of a human body that stays warm and moist most of the time, and collects a mini portion of blood that will sit over a span of a month to smell like fresh laundry. It’s not going to smell fantastic, but then again, I know that it is possible for it to smell like garbage on a New York City Street during the summer. How do I know this? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!! My point is that if you require the use of Summer’s Eve, you’re either very anal, and trying to prevent the impossible to avoid, or you just have a wildebeest of funk living between your legs.

This all brings me to a particular story that took place while I was in pharmacy school in Philly. I was living with my girlfriend at the time along with two of her girl friends (please spare me the Jack Tripper jokes). It was a three bedroom apartment, and there was only one bathroom. At first I thought it was a bit awkward at first, with all the different make-up, hair products and maxi pads taking up the shelves in the bathroom, but I got over it. That is until I noticed something different in the shower one faitful afternoon. There it was, standing right next to my Pert Plus bottle on the shower ledge. I remember it quite distinctly. White bottle, and a light purple top. Summer’s Eve ‘feminine wash’. “Ewwww” I thought to myself out loud. I knew for sure it didn’t belong to my girlfriend. I immediately began to think of which one of my other two female roommates was the owner. I convinced myself it was a girl named Jin, who just happened to be my friend Gary’s girlfriend (and future wife). Since no one was in the apartment at that time, I decided to park this little instance into the back of my mind for future reference.

I think it was two days later, after getting high as hell in my bedroom. I came out to see my girlfriend and the other roommate, Lillian talking and watching TV in the living room. I sat down on the couch next to them and began to zone out. I then remembered the mysterious feminine wash in the bathroom and became amazingly eager to share my discovery with the girls. I don’t remember exactly how I brought it to their attention, but I think it was something like, “Oh My God!! Oh My God!! Guess What!! Jin got a stinky coochie! Jin gotta funky poonani!!! Damn!! My boy Gary is going out with a dirty girl!!!!” (yes, very mature I know). The girls tried desperately to calm me down then they asked me how I knew that she did in fact have a “stinky coochie”. I then gracefully pulled the two girls off the couch and into the bathroom, pulled back the shower curtain and loudly screamed, “Boo yah!!” as I pointed to the coochie disinfectant labeled as Summer’s Eve. (Mind you, I’m still pretty high at this point). My girlfriend had a slight grin on her face, but more of a look of disbelief. Lillian on the other hand just kind of looked at the floor, which didn’t make much sense to me at the time. “Isn’t that crazy?” I asked.

“Well,” Lillian slowly muttered. “It’s not Jin’s” she said as her face slowly turned redder. It took a couple of seconds for me to comprehend this, but she made it completely clear when she answered, “its mine”.

“DAMN!!” is all I could think to myself as my face turned bright red, and my stomach felt like I just swallowed a bowling ball. I looked over to my girlfriend, and she gave me this furious look like smoke was going to come out of her ears. I immediately switched to excuse mode. “Um, yeah, that’s cool Lil. I always see people buy this stuff at the pharmacy. You know, it actually smells pretty good!” I stuttered trying desperately to pull my foot out of my mouth. “Ok, I’m going to go take a nap now”. I said really fast as I walked quickly back to my room and jumped in my bed and pulled my pillow over my head. A few minutes later, my girlfriend followed me into the bedroom and gave me a serious tongue lashing, and I was on her shit list for almost a week. Yes, just another instance where my big mouth got my ass in big trouble.

Pee Pee On The Floor

In order to keep a semi-healthy body, I drink a lot of water at work. This almost always results in me having to hit up the mens room several times in a work day. I usually like to take the urinal in the corner because there's a wall to the left of it which leaves only one side that I have to protect my Johnson from people who go to the bathroom looking for the truth to the “Asian-guy-Penis myth”. (This myth is actually true for half of us, sadly to say. But, mother nature is a fair lady, so she has blessed the other half of us appropriately. I won’t say which half I fall into though).

Anyways, about 2 months ago, I went to the bathroom as usual and was about to pull down the zipper of relief until I spotted a nice puddle of piss in front of the urinal. I thought to myself, “Damn old men that I work with. They should really run to the bathroom like 2 minutes earlier just to give them some leeway”, as I moved to the urinal to the right. The next twenty something times that I went to that urinal, I saw the same puddle of urine and I had to think of different excuses for the guy(s) who keeps peeing in front of it. I mean, I know the janitor comes in at the end of every day and mops the floor clean. He must be thinking the same thing that I am. Like, “what, you can’t hold it for like 10 more seconds?” or “is your aim that bad? It’s not like there’s a freakin’ goalie in front of the damn urinal!” or “stop thinking about work for 30 seconds and pee IN the damn urinal, not in between your feet”.

I personally think that the guy(s) that does this all the time just thinks that he was born with king-kong’s dick and has to stand back like an extra foot so the tip doesn’t touch the back of the urinal wall.

Well, I’d like to be the first to give him the rude awakening. YOU’RE NOT FEAKIN’ KING KONG MAN!!!! That imaginary extra 6 inches that you think you’re packing, is exactly that. IMAGINARY!! Walk up to the damn urinal and drop your load into it! You’re not 2, and your not 92! You’re a big boy that should be able to get it in. It’s not like you’re standing at the free-throw line at the NBA finals with thousands of angry fans screaming for you to miss. It’s a simple calculation that you should have been mastered years ago. If my Prada shoes step into another puddle o’pee pee in front of that damn urinal, I’m going to either paint a damn bulls-eye on the urinal cake, or install a mini camera in front of it, and hunt down the fucker myself!!!

Thank you for letting me to get that off my chest.